Sunday, September 13, 2009

Those Hard Times

If you've seen me around on twitter lately I've been alluding to this, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write a full post. Keeping things under 140 characters can be so much easier sometimes, but to work through my grief and find healing I need to let this out.

About three weeks ago my grandma began to have intense headaches and some major cognitive impairments. The doctors keep going around in circles until this past Thursday when she finally had an MRI that showed brain hemorrhaging, during the MRI she suffered another stroke. By the time she reached the hospital she was near unconscious and she has since fallen into a coma, getting worse by the day. It's only a matter of time now. We've had the priest come in and we're all just praying that she's not in pain. My heart has broken, I was just talking and laughing with her on Tuesday. I've been in to say my goodbyes and seeing her like that was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I just keep reminding myself that she's going to a better place (and she'll be reunited with grandpa who passed earlier this year). It's so hard to lose her (as much as I remind myself that the separation is only temporary, we'll be united again one day), but I can't begrudge her for finding a release from her pain. I think I find this hardest because of her role in my life. Growing up with a single mom (we lived with my grandparents until I was 16), it was grandma who was there for me after school. I spent so much time with her growing up that she was like a second mother to me. She was the one who taught me how to cook and sew; she shared her love of crafting with me. Even as I grew older we shared so much from music to television, we never ran out of things to talk about. She will be missed.

I work through grief in such a different way that I find myself feeling guilty for not being miserable 24/7. I still have intense emotion breakdowns (writing this has come in spurts between one) and I've been feeling like an empty hull these past few days, but the more I talk with family and the more I'm able to let these feelings out I can feel myself healing. I know soon I'll be able to smile at the happy memories. I firmly believe that life should be celebrated and that everyday we have is a precious gift. I know that she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but instead to find ways to make every day count. And I will. I don't know exactly what will be going on in these coming weeks, but I will be posting again. I will find ways to make every day blissful until the sadness turns into cherished memories. Love will never fade and I will find ways to remember her (like having her favorite antique snuff bottles on my desk next to a piece of one of my grandpa's old shirts), though I know I will never forget.