This is the story of a sandwich. Not just any sandwich, mind you, the sandwich that changed my life. Before I get ahead of myself let me start at the beginning. As I'm sure you've noticed I have become scarce. I haven't been writing, reading, or commenting lately. My google reader is up to almost 1,000 posts. All of my projects have stalled and I haven't done something creative in weeks. I've been debating writing this post, I usually try to keep this blog positive. I don't want to hide behind that though. Life has downs as well as ups and I feel that sharing both is to share the essence of who we really are. The best way for us to come together and truly get to know each other. Along those lines I've been thinking more about transparency lately thanks to some recent lessons in my bible study group.
First, I want to share something I've never really talked about before. My mom and a few of my friends know, but I've always been ashamed to admit this publicly. I struggle with severe anxiety. I've always had trouble with leaving the house, but in recent years I've become nervous even walking the short distance to my mail box. Even online I shy away from expressing myself most of the time. I have panic attacks near daily. Over the past two months this has been something I've decided to confront head on. I'm tired of feeling limited. I joined a new group at my church and have a group of friends for the first time in over five years. I've been forcing myself to go out more often and though it's still difficult I find myself feeling better week after week. Still with all of this new stress and the stress from not being able to find a job I felt like I'd lost my passion for life. My flair for cooking has been absent as has my joy for crafting. I've been so self conscious about everything that I say and do.
This brings me to the sandwich. My mom, realizing that I've been feeling down, decided to take me out to lunch. Of course, every restaurant we looked at was either ridiculously crowded or closed. Wandering through the hotel we finally came to Wolfgang Puck's Bar and Grill. I had the salami, mortadella, and aged provolone sandwich and that first bite changed my life. The buttery texture of the mortadella coupled with the tang of the cheese all resting on the light, airy focaccia; it was bliss. From that bite I remembered why I like to create. I found my passion for amazing flavor combinations, for bringing that bliss to those around me. I finally feel like myself again. I'm surrounded by some wonderful family and some amazing friends. Everything else will fall into place when it's meant to.
First, I want to share something I've never really talked about before. My mom and a few of my friends know, but I've always been ashamed to admit this publicly. I struggle with severe anxiety. I've always had trouble with leaving the house, but in recent years I've become nervous even walking the short distance to my mail box. Even online I shy away from expressing myself most of the time. I have panic attacks near daily. Over the past two months this has been something I've decided to confront head on. I'm tired of feeling limited. I joined a new group at my church and have a group of friends for the first time in over five years. I've been forcing myself to go out more often and though it's still difficult I find myself feeling better week after week. Still with all of this new stress and the stress from not being able to find a job I felt like I'd lost my passion for life. My flair for cooking has been absent as has my joy for crafting. I've been so self conscious about everything that I say and do.
This brings me to the sandwich. My mom, realizing that I've been feeling down, decided to take me out to lunch. Of course, every restaurant we looked at was either ridiculously crowded or closed. Wandering through the hotel we finally came to Wolfgang Puck's Bar and Grill. I had the salami, mortadella, and aged provolone sandwich and that first bite changed my life. The buttery texture of the mortadella coupled with the tang of the cheese all resting on the light, airy focaccia; it was bliss. From that bite I remembered why I like to create. I found my passion for amazing flavor combinations, for bringing that bliss to those around me. I finally feel like myself again. I'm surrounded by some wonderful family and some amazing friends. Everything else will fall into place when it's meant to.
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Awesome! You go girl! It IS hard to push yourself, but you did it!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I should look at the recipes I'm getting from Puck. So far, they're just collecting in my inbox recipe folder.
WHen are we going to see postings for you Bessings Sampler? It sounds like they may be coming, shortly.
ReplyDelete:o} paula
@Faith Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI definitely recommend his recipes. I've been using his books for a while now and I've yet to be disappointed. I love his pizza particularly.
@Paula Yep! I've finally started stitching again and some photos should be ready early next week C:
I'm so glad to hear you are reaching out and making friends. That's something I need to do also. The journey of a 1000 miles begins with the first step.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck
It appears that this post you made is 3 months old but I'm going to write this anyway. I too, had severe anxiety and someone gave me "The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle (Book on CD). Each time I feel anxiety (which for me is the middle of the night)...I just reach over to the laptop, fire-up itunes or my ipod and put the plugs in my ears. The information allows you to do a check in with yourself. Convincing you that you are empowering your mind to lead you instead of you leading your mind. His voice is very monotone as well (not intentionally :) anyway it just calms you and I hope it helps. It's just a wonderful tool I found for myself. I don't feel alone in the anxiety either with that book on CD. good luck
ReplyDeletekelly
It's so good to join a group... In the small group I'm in at our church, we can share stuff like the anxiety, and also hold each other accountable as we take the next step. It helps!
ReplyDeleteAnd it's good to persevere. I got my "StumbleUpon Site Suggestions", and yours was one of the six websites on my list! Good for you!
Hey you're not alone! I suffer from some heavy anxiety (and anorexia in the past) and my sister also has anxiety. She has taken control of it and is so much happier and healthier now. It is HARD to jump over the hurdle, and it is a constant work-in-progress, but I commend you for taking steps toward taking back your life! It is well, well worth it.
ReplyDeleteI really want to thank you all for the support you've shown me on this post. I was nervous about sharing this much of myself when I first posted, but I see that it was definitely the right path to take. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd to those of you who don't see that light at the end of the tunnel, never give up! I never would have guessed what was around the corner.