Celebrating Life and Memories

As alluded to in my previous post, my grandmother has passed away. I was struggling with this last week, but now I feeling like honoring her memory by celebrating her life and the wonderful memories I have of growing up. I want to share more family stories and mementos, to share those treasures with the world. Family and my family's history are a big part of who I am today and to be a more authentic person I want to share more of those aspects, especially gems like these. Without further ado...

This photo was taken in the early 1950's. My grandma had flown to France in order to marry my grandfather who was stationed there with the air force at the time (they were high school sweethearts). This was one of the many of her stops touring some of the more famous landmarks before she settled down in Lion, France (and no, that's not a typo for Lyon). This must have been a favorite coat of hers as it appears in many of her photos from this time period. She was such a stylish woman and she looks so wonderfully happy here. I was overjoyed that mom was able to find this among a variety of bits and bobs that might have otherwise been overlooked.

Those Hard Times

If you've seen me around on twitter lately I've been alluding to this, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write a full post. Keeping things under 140 characters can be so much easier sometimes, but to work through my grief and find healing I need to let this out.

About three weeks ago my grandma began to have intense headaches and some major cognitive impairments. The doctors keep going around in circles until this past Thursday when she finally had an MRI that showed brain hemorrhaging, during the MRI she suffered another stroke. By the time she reached the hospital she was near unconscious and she has since fallen into a coma, getting worse by the day. It's only a matter of time now. We've had the priest come in and we're all just praying that she's not in pain. My heart has broken, I was just talking and laughing with her on Tuesday. I've been in to say my goodbyes and seeing her like that was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. I just keep reminding myself that she's going to a better place (and she'll be reunited with grandpa who passed earlier this year). It's so hard to lose her (as much as I remind myself that the separation is only temporary, we'll be united again one day), but I can't begrudge her for finding a release from her pain. I think I find this hardest because of her role in my life. Growing up with a single mom (we lived with my grandparents until I was 16), it was grandma who was there for me after school. I spent so much time with her growing up that she was like a second mother to me. She was the one who taught me how to cook and sew; she shared her love of crafting with me. Even as I grew older we shared so much from music to television, we never ran out of things to talk about. She will be missed.

I work through grief in such a different way that I find myself feeling guilty for not being miserable 24/7. I still have intense emotion breakdowns (writing this has come in spurts between one) and I've been feeling like an empty hull these past few days, but the more I talk with family and the more I'm able to let these feelings out I can feel myself healing. I know soon I'll be able to smile at the happy memories. I firmly believe that life should be celebrated and that everyday we have is a precious gift. I know that she wouldn't want me to be so sad, but instead to find ways to make every day count. And I will. I don't know exactly what will be going on in these coming weeks, but I will be posting again. I will find ways to make every day blissful until the sadness turns into cherished memories. Love will never fade and I will find ways to remember her (like having her favorite antique snuff bottles on my desk next to a piece of one of my grandpa's old shirts), though I know I will never forget.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

For a good majority of this month I've been waging an internal debate of how to post this (or even if I was going to post it at all), but ultimately I've decided to go ahead with it because this month has changed my perspective on life in so many ways.

On February 10th my grandfather died. This hit truly close to home as my grandparents played a large part in my upbringing due to the absence of my father. He was a father to me. I remember listening to his fascinating stories of his time in the military and his many travel adventures from a time before I was born. I remember sharing the special connection of our strange food taste that no one else in the family could quite understand. I remember watching him for hours in the workshop that was our garage. He changed my life in so many ways. When the news came in I didn't know what to do. I was deep in grief and a feel of numbness all but consumed me whole for the past weeks.

I've since made my peace with my emotions. I know he is in a better, happier place now and I certainly cannot begrudge him that after all of the pain he'd been in over the past few years. It's not like me to sit around and mope (though that's what I've spent the better part of the month doing) so this is my way of reflecting on the lessons I've learned these past few weeks so I can move on to treasuring my memories.

Life is precious. It is our utmost treasure and it is something we should cherish everyday. Even when it feels like the world is to harsh a world there is always someone who you make a difference for. Everyday is a new gift, one that should be enjoyed to the fullest. Even the grayest of clouds has a sliver lining. Let go of past regrets in order to be free to face the world with your brightest, most sincere smile. Replace hate with love. Embrace the world with open arms. Delight in the simple pleasures.

What does all of that mean for me? I've spent a good deal of this week pondering (and a good deal of my day today plotting lists on paper) so I'm beginning to have an idea. I don't know all of the specifics yet, but I do know that I want to embrace this beautiful and bountiful life with open arms. I want to revel in creativity and kindness. With Sunday comes a new month and with that I hope to have a fresh start of the best sort. More to come, soon. I have some pretty wonderful plans ahead of me and I'm looking forward to sharing them with all of you. With this post has come a new path for this blog, a path I am looking forward to walking and cultivating. In the meantime I hope you are all doing well and may this spring be the season of amazing new possibilities for us all.